One girl looking out her window
One boy walking down the street
He didn't know it at the time
But when she saw him her heart skipped a beat.

One girl playing outside
One boy doing the same
He didn't know it at the time
But she wanted to find out his name.

One girl getting hurt by many boys
One boy mending her heart
He didn't know it at the time
But she loved only him from the start.

One girl standing outside
One boy asking her out
He didn't know it at the time
But she never had any doubts.

One girl loving a boy
One boy loving a girl
He didn't know it at the time
But he was her world.

One girl's heart breaks
One boy moves on
He didn't know it at the time
But her love for him wasn't done.

One girl tries to win him back
One boy doesn't care
He didn't know it at the time
But she wouldn't always be there.

One girl leaves for college
One boy stays where he's at
He didn't know it at the time
But her heart was breaking in half.

One girl's heart is missing
One boy has it you see
He doesn't know it right now
But the two of them are meant to be.

If tomorrow, I should never wake up, I wanted to say
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I've done, and what I
haven't done. I could have done more, I should have
done more.

If I harmed you, yelled at you, ignored you, or
didn't care... I'm sorry.

If tomorrow, I should never wake up, I wanted to say
Thank you.

If me and you were the best of friends, thank you for
always being there.

If me and you only talked once and a while, and
didn't go to the same parties, and were.... not good
friends... thank you for humbling me.

You are not perfect, but I am not either, but thank
you for having a part in my life.

If we have somehow lost touch over the years I wanted
to say that I miss you, and I want to keep in touch.

If tomorrow, I should never wake up, I wanted to say
everything I never had time to.

To let go isn't to forget, not think about, or ignore.
IT doesn't leave feelings of anger,jealousy or regret.
Letting go isn't winning and it isn't losing.
It's not about pride and it's not about how you appear.
And its not obsessing or dwelling on the past.
Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts,
And it doesn't leave emptiness, hurt or sadness.
It's not giving in or giving up.
Letting go isn't about loss, and it's not defeat.

To let go is to cherish memories, but to overcome and to move on.
It is having an open mind and confidence in the future.
Letting go is accepting.
It is learning and experiencing and growing.
To let go is to be thankful for the expeiences that made you laugh, made you cry and made you grow.
It's about all that you have, all that you had and all that you will soon have again.

Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving.
Letting go is growing up.
It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy.
To let go is to open a door, to clear a path and to set yourself free.

has someone from the moment i was born cursed me or something was i a child of darkness because everything lately is just shit im sorry for swearing on here but its all i can say ...i rock up to school only to find out im failing not 1 but 3 fucking subjects which ive been working my butt off for but no one realizes no one at all atleast i try put in the effort unlike some who sit around and smoke and dont even get fucking busted...where am i going why is this all happening especially to me of all chicks in the world why cant shit ever happen to someone like paris hilton its just fucked nah money buys her way out of everything ...but money isnt the answer for everything neither is love ....if either of these dont then what is?.....fuck friends too esp when they turn there back on you after all you have done mainly because of katie afterall i must have some invisible sign hey how are you im a loser and a user ready to be at your service...noone understands me i dont think i even understand myself .......what about love ..what is it??? can someone please tell me because im never going to know i really need a bf because im really going crazy pple comming left right center at me with all there problems with love life have they ever stoped to think what about me? how do i feel how am i meant to know ....if i did i wouldnt be here id be out partying and having fun like normal 19 yr olds do on friday and sat nights dont you think??? but theres one for you im not normal my life just keeps getting more drowned out and blurry everyday im so sick of this life i just wanna scream how did this happen to me?

Tonight ... I went to my old computer room and laid on the floor. I don't go in that room anymore. Ever. I don't use the computer in there... it's basically a storage room for all of my old childhood "toys", etc. I used to call it the "playroom" or "toys room" but when my friends came over, it seemed inappropriate. Now it's all blanketed in a thin layer of dust. The carpet is soaked with a fragrant odor of my old dog mixed with carpet shampoo. So I lay there and cried. Just cried. And now the carpet is soaked with the essense of my old dog, carpet shampoo, and tears.

And I don't feel any better.


I've not been artistic at all. No inspiration. No time. I've spent most of my days sleeping crying since I stay up late at night listering to music preferably linkin park has I can relate heavily. For some reason my hands have been really shaky. I can't seem to keep them in control enough to draw anything. I hope it goes away... . Gah. Is it... normal... for a person to try nearly every antidepressant ever made (and by "try" I mean a couple of weeks, at least, or until the negative side-effects are too much to handle) and not one of them have ANY effect on you whatsoever? I'd understand if maybe they'd work for a little while, and then stop... but... none of them have brought about any change aside from the side-effects. Which, in fact, do not help depression.

Celexa, Effexor, Klonodine, Lexapro, Wellbutrin, Elavil, Paxil, Zoloft, Cymbalta, Remeron, (That's not even all of them. There are others that I just don't remember.) And then Adderal, Ritalin, Dexedrine and other stimulants when I was younger (which also did nothing). When does it stop? When do the doctors decide to give up? And what happens when they do? I've never objected to them shoving any kind of medication at me, I figure why the hell not, what's one more? Then of course they increase the doses and I end up with 7 or more. I'll take anything they give me, but I don't necissarily have faith in their ability to help me. I've always believed that antidepressants are something you have to actually believe will work for them to actually do anything. There's a word for that... but I can't remember. And I don't believe in them. And they don't work. But I can't exactly just... start believing they'll work. I can't just push away the feeling that I'm stuck here, that it's hopeless, that everything will just continue to go wrong, that I'm stuck in a perpetually downward spiral that brings me lower than the lowest possible level of suffering.

Last night, I came to an epiphany, a realization. My medical problems make me different; I've always felt different, like I would never fit in, like no one would ever accept me, like no one would ever want to marry me because I was "handicapped" (though not in the literal sense, of course). And then I slowly began to accept it, and embrace it. But I think I went way too far, and I'm letting it define me, I'm letting it consume me. I've come to believe that it's the only thing now that makes me unique, that makes me special, and so I dwell on it, I thrive on it. And I'm very open about it. It's also one of the only things I feel I can be proud of... that I've come so far given the circumstances. And yet, I don't acknowledge that achievement but for a moment, and then brush it off, and focus on the fact that I'm miserable because of the accident.

You can tell me over and over to "feel better" or "don't let it get to you so much," but you know what? I've been trying. I try every fucking day. It is the bane of my fucking existence. I am in a constant struggle to accept it the way it is, but I can't help but hold onto the thought that “goddamnit, this isn't fair”WHY ME? all the time... you can say all you want that I have control over this, that I can make these feelings go away, that I can fix myself but I can't.


I have monthly visits with my psychiatrist, ,weekly group therapy with a bunch of other teenage chicks. About a month ago, my fam were discussing family therapy. They have all been trying to show me that my depression is okay, that I have every right to feel depressed, that anyone who goes through a traumatic experience of any kind is allowed to feel this way. And yet everyday when I wake up and feel like this, a million voices rain down on me telling me it’s wrong. I shouldn’t feel this way. I should be happy for what I have. And the guilt is excruciating. Dr. So-and-So would say, “There are no ‘shoulds’ and ‘shouldn’ts’ when discussing feelings.” Then why does it feel so wrong? They tell me to “embrace the emotion, accept it for what it is, and let it pass.” What if it doesn’t pass? What if it lingers, or swells, like a mosquito bite, leaving you with an obnoxious urge to scratch the itch, make it bleed, spread the pain?

There are cracks in their preachings. Sometimes I feel like just skipping all of them. Sometimes I feel like it makes matters worse having an appointment everyweek to discuss my “feelings.” Maybe if I didn’t have a constant reminder that I’m so f up, I could just forget. But no ......i really needed to get this out i couldnt find any other way..im not suicidal never will be never was just life sometimes really bugs the hell out of me if youre really good friends with me in real life youd know what im on about and music is what keeps me going...dont ever ever forget that.....

ok so heres a question alot of people keep asking who sings the original verson of the awesome 80's song "tainted love" i always thought it was the ramones cuz they rock....then i heard soft cell but the ramones one gets played more and sounds more like the original im not sure but i wanna find out so does anyone know?

d_i_s_a_p_p_o_i_n_t_m_e_n_t.
Current mood: awake

I have a million copies of the same CD, the same track playing over and over in my head.
One track mind.

Want. Want. Want.
Need?

The glance you shoot at me is one I can't seem to recognize. Can you spell it out for me?


“D-I-S-A-P-P-O-I-N-T-M-E-N-T” You sing, your voice ringing like a bell in my ears. Right through, up and over the silence, buzzing like the sound of the TV when my dad "accidentally" forgets to turn it off. Or the sound of a hummingbird, flitting it's wings at impossible speeds.



And for some reason I am far from surprised that I've disappointed you again. I'm becoming far too familiar with the disappointment staring back at me in the mirror. She seems so hopeless there, hanging her head in shame. [And yet there is a great and terrible beauty in her pain.] Her hair dances like streamers in the wind as she sobs and shakes, the floor tremors and quakes beneath her, and the great fog that is her cocoon, wrapping her in guilt, it slides off of her like water slides from the feathers of a swan. For a moment, she is free and yet vulnerable without her shell, and she knows that this is unacceptable. No one could accept this as anything more than pathetic.



Can you embrace this empty spirit before you? Can you accept her, accept the light and the dark, the choices and regrets, the cruelty and the sacrifices? Can you accept, and forgive?

Can you?





Or perhaps a better question is... will you?

It matters not, either way. She’s somewhat ruined, tainted, unreachable in her cocoon of failure and regret.

the past 48hours has been one hell of an emotional ride for me everything from friends , to guys and school.....and so i had to let out whats inside of me or else i'll go crazy so here it is
:
I am Alone

There’s no one left to defeat
In this haunted valley of broken dreams
Where my spirit sleeps
And my heart won’t beat

What is this I’ve been shone?
I’m all alone

And a knife penetrates me
And my life devastates me

I walk alone
Tell me that it’s over
I walk alone
And I’ll be the first to go

My tears are turning into stone
And my blood is freezing cold
And I’ll be the last to know
I walk alone

My shadow always follows me
My darkness never leaves me
My love has only betrayed me
But I’m still alone

I lay here freezing cold
In this pool of blood
My soul was sold

To Satan long ago
But even so
I am alone

But even so
I am alone

I watch you as you sleep
Peacefully in your pleasant dreams
I wonder why you keep
Her soul chained to hers

I walk alone
I am alone
I’ll die alone

My tears are turning into stone
And my blood is freezing cold
And I’ll be the last to know
I walk alone

right about now its sounding fucking awesome ........screw everyone i mean it how can someone live life with so much bullshit happens to them and noone else its not fair what about all these sluts that think its the end of the world if they break a nail or if there hair dye didnt really turn out fuck you all you know who you are if reading this....if anyone sees me at school tuesday dont fucking push it because i will crack then you'll think i really am that new chick thats fucked up  from paco girls with no life no friends no nothing well actually come to think of it maybe its true oh and to rick , matt r , robbie, travis and peter.....thanks for everything even your fucked up non existant friendships we were meant to have hope you found what you have all been looking for online cuz obviously i wasnt it.and never will be it no im not loosing it and if someone posts im a fucking loser screw you before look at yourself you must be the loser for reading peoples personal blogs then posting a pointless msg like that so think about it yea josh how bout that or alev or anyone else that reads this from KPSC ..you think you all know me just because you planned set ups for me back in yr 10 in my first year and just because i fell for them you think you can see right thru me and try it again well im not that stupid im 19 and alot more smarter than you'll ever be and the fuck you know about me just by giving me shit 24/7 putting down the person i am what i dress in music im into the guys i like .....one word only fuck you end of this year you'll get that BS right back at you and its going to hurt trust me its going to bug you for the rest of your life like everything that you did to me and everything that has ever happend to me does......so if you havent guessed by now im leaving this whole online thing been here for 6 years seen many people come and go and many change......or just dissapear....so its time i did that..........

To Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the boy who kisses your forhead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...thats her".

well as i said i'll be posting this song i wrote for this guy as soon as i compleated it well finally today i did was up till like 11 am omg anyway  so i hope he can find this and remember the name emily because i still have feelings for you even tho you found this bimbo who was somehow better than me....i hope shes giving you what you really want and everything...so here goes enjoy......i hope to be playing this one day somewhere who knows

just some more stuff dunno whats better in here or photo album ....so i'll just post them in here

well im finally adding some of my poems and songs so if anyone reads this tell me what you think thx...more comming soon im halfway finished a song about someone for someone so yea

One! Two! Three!

To every broken heart in here
Love was once a part, but now it's disappeared
She told me that it's all part of the choices that you maken
Even when you think you're right
You have to give to take

But there's still tomorrow
Forget the sorrow
And I can be on the last train home
Watch it pass the day
As it fades away
No more time to care
No more time, today

But we sing
If we're going nowhere
Yeah we sing
If it's not enough
And we sing
Sing without a reason
To ever fall in love

I wonder if you're listening
Picking up on the signals
Sent back from within
Sometimes it feels like I don't really know whats going on
Time and time again it seems like everything is wrong in here

But there's still tomorrow
Forget the sorrow
And I can be on the last train home
Watch it pass the day
As it fades away
No more time to care
No more time, today

But we sing
If we're going nowhere
Yeah we sing
If it's not enough
And we sing
Sing without a reason
To ever fall in love

But we sing if we're going nowhere
Yeah we sing if it's not enough
And we sing
Sing without a reason to ever fall in love

But we sing
If we're going no where
Yeah we sing
If it's not enough
And we sing
Sing with out a reason to never fall in love
To never fall in love again

The Friday sun bears down again
As we drive with our friends
And on these longest days we spend
All the time trying to pretend
That our stories could be true
Our chance to be cool
The setting sunset says the day is through
If only we knew...
And we all sit around here in our home town
Listen to the waves as they all crash down
And watch the fire as it slowly burns away
Glowing embers fly across the sky

Here by my side, in my summer, our last summer
The world passes by in my summer, our last summer
The light makes shadows fall, surrounded by each other
Alive to watch it all, the view from our last summer
The view from our last summer...
We trace the sun across the sky

And we laugh till we cry
Always so hard to say goodbye (good bye)
And we all sit round here in our home town
It's so good like this, these are times we'll miss
The memories, I hope they'll never fade
Glowing embers lie across the sky

Here by my side, in my summer, our last summer
The world passes by in my summer, our last summer
The light makes shadows fall, surrounded by each other
Alive to watch it all, the view through our last summer
The view from our last summer...

I would stop time to stay with you
I would stop time so we don't move
I would stop time
I would stop time
I would stop time to keep you

Here by my side, in my summer, our last summer
The world passes by in my summer, our last summer
The light makes shadows fall, surrounded by each other
Alive to watch it all, the view from our last summer

things have sort of calmed down concerning this particular situation

ive told my myself to stop caring....It's hard and it seems insted of forcing my anger outward , I've turned it compleately inward i guess thats better though....

1. Go Blonde for some reason guys love it and can't see past it.....

2. Get a job at supre act all im soo cool cuz i get decked out in the latest supre clothing and then when i go out i can wear my lil camo mini that i got for free.....

3. before going out put aside 2 hours of your time during the day to fix up all your make up and apply it making sure you add that extra lash of mascara and maybe a a whole roll of eyeshadow .

4.make sure at school you talk really load upon your other friends about guys , sex and what you gunna wear sat night......

5. Everytime to see a Nerd , geek or just a different chick dont forget to point out how weird she looks infront of everyone or complain about how shes not into minis or boobtubes and makeup...

6. Don't forget to bag  chicks with glasses punks/emos/rock chicks or goths just because they like wearing band tshirts and love dark make up....(we all know you will never look good in them so don't even try and bring us down.)

7. and finally a few more things before i end this lil debate.......when youre on your phone make sure you talk really really loud so the rest of the school other people in the room , household or club can hear the whole convo.......whenever you talk dont forget to add the words "whatever" "laterz" and "mwaa love you to chicks and give them a kiss on each cheek" (whats wrong with a wave and just a simple cya) *shutters........finally my last point Dont forget to be really up yourself and think that people who are shy are really up themselves also cuz were not you just dont now us and we dont like you so we dont talk to you simple as that.......well thats about it if anyone has anything else to add just do so other than that hope this was a good lil guide .........